|
What First-Time Authors Do (It's Not Pretty)
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
You want to know what a first-time author does on the long-awaited day when his book is finally released? He wakes up at 5:45 a.m. and runs downstairs to tune into the local CBS affiliate to watch the two-minute segment it taped earlier on the release of his book. He yelps out loud when the reporter says all the right things and includes all the right quotes. He then drinks too much coffee given the already frazzled state of his nerves, then revs around the house half-dressed, burning excess energy and barking out to no one in particular, "When do the damn bookstores open, anyway?"
The first-time writer then gets in position at the desktop computer and begins frantically hitting the refresh button on the Amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com websites, checking his book's ranking. He hits the button over and over: Refresh! Refresh! Refresh! And breathes a little easier when he sees his ranking rise throughout the morning, from #124 on Amazon at 10:30 a.m. to #96 at noon to #53 at 2:20 p.m. B&N.com follows a similar trajectory. "Don't turn back!" he urges with a sense of neurotic urgency even he recognizes as slightly pathetic.
The new author then takes his annoyingly calm wife out to lunch at a restaurant that just happens to be strategically spaced midway between a Borders and Barnes & Noble bookstore. After gulping down a sandwich he barely tastes, he saunters into the B&N, trying to look nonchalant as his eyes dart over the books. Panic takes hold as he fails to spot the so-familiar cover of his book. He nearly screams out, "Where the hell is it? What did you bastards do with my book?" But he manages to contain himself and calmly ask the clerk at the information desk, "So, there's a new book out today, perhaps you've heard of it? Marley & Me? Do you have it?"
"Marnee and who?" the clerk asks."
No, that would be MARLEY," the first-time author corrects, trying not to sound shrill. He finds himself quietly engaging the slow-controlled breathing method his wife learned in maternity class. "Marley & Me. Not Marnee; Marley."
"Ah, here it is," the clerk says, staring into her computer screen. "Still on order. Not here yet." The new author finds himself oddly awash with relief because the alternative would mean the book was somewhere in the store but was so buried no one other than a private detective would be able to locate it."Breath deeply," the new author keeps repeating. "It's going to be OK."
Then the author and wife enter Borders, and again his eyes nervously rake the front of the store. And there it is. On the very front table. Ten feet inside the main doors. His book. Actually, a pile of his books. On display, right beside Wynona Judd, Sandra Day O'Connor and Bill Maher. His wife pulls the smelling salts from her purse. He's really only out for a few seconds. Then he's back on his feet. And in the car. And racing home to check e-mail...and of course his old friend, Amazon, which at 3:40 p.m. hovered at #35.
And then he starts the whole cycle over again. This is what a first-time author does on the day his book is finally and formally released. It's not a pretty sight.
posted by John Grogan at 3:45 PM
 
1 Comments:
<< Home
Previous Posts
|
|
|
Congratulations on your success. Thank-you for making yourself vulnerable and sharing your Marley with us. You are a delight.